Well this is the last entry on this page I think

Hi. I haven't written in 10 years, I know.

I married now.
So for now on, go to adamandlily.blogspot.com

My first post will be something to do with Willow and her tagging...

The Honeymoon

Adam took this. PCC.

My favorite dancer.

O'ahu's rainforest

My love!

We barbequed with the most amazing pineapples and it was so fun!!!!!





Adam and I spent a lovely honeymoon in O'ahu. I loved being able to spend so much time with him. This boy brings so much happiness....

The Wedding

I am currently working on this. Be patient. Hold your horses. Not your boobies. Although breast cancer awareness says, "Feel your boobies."

Bridals with Willow!

HI friends. Willow Withy took some amazingly stellar beyond this galaxy photos for my bridals. I loved this day! We woke up on Saturday morning and headed down to the pier at San Clemente beach. There we ate at this dreamy delictable creperie, and I could not believe I was still in the US. With food that is beyond human appreciation, the day could only be galactic. We, despite my mom's moanings and groanings, took the pictures ON THE SAND and the pier at the beach. It was a dream come true for me, in two ways. From the day I met Willow, I knew if I could have my way I would have her photo my wedding. And I wanted the pictures done ON THE SAND. So here you are! Lilies and all!

My Infinite Playlist

Reviewing one's mission statement

Blue Salt


What is it that makes you feel alive?

This is Adam. Adam makes life worth waking up for. See the necklace that I am wearing? Adam gave that to me. Ironically we bought the chain for that pendant on the same day as my engagement ring was bought... but that is another story. The pendant is a heart made of amber, purchased during Adam's last week in Russia. His mom told him to wait and give the heart to someone who could take care of it, or something along those lines. And when Adam gave this to me, I felt a responsibility more precious than life. Each day I wear a symbol of Adam's love for me, and each day I love him back.

I was tagged.

4 places I visit over and over
-Adam's house
-Gardner's house
-Paris, in my mind
-Salt Creek Beach

4 people who call, text, or email me regularly
-Adam
-Afton
-Anne
-Mid

4 favorite foods
-honey balsamic chicken from macaroni grill
-dad's bbq
-crepes with nutella or strawberries with nutella
-red robin

4 places I would rather be
-Adam's arms
-in a lecture at BYU on anything art related
-a small village in Wales
-the MOA looking at the X

4 movies I watch over and over
-While You Were Sleeping
-What's Up Doc?
-Pride and Prejudice (all versions)
-The Gods Must Be Crazy

4 people I tag:
-Adam
-Anne
-Afton
-Jessica

From small town cheater to big town thief

As many of you know, Adam and I cheat. We cheat while playing croquet. We cheat while playing Uno. We cheat with our family members at miniature golf (despite the fact that cheating often brought our scores down).

We have recently joined a bigger league. Yesterday, while shopping for patterns and fabrics for the flower girls, we made a big step. As we were waiting for the lady to cut out two yards, I nonchalantly chatted Adam's ear off. We got in line at the cash register, and as the customer in front of us paid and left, we followed behind. We left the store without paying for the merchandise. When did we realize what we had done? As we pulled up to my house, Adam asked, "how much were those patterns?" And I realized that I had no clue. I told him that he must have paid... we couldn't have just left the store without paying!!!

Oh, but we did.

The Proposal

If anyone wants to know why I love Adam, let me share an example of an hour that we spent together. This hour followed a crazy day of horseback riding, swimming, skating lesson *sort of* and Adam... what else did we do?

Around 11pm, Adam and I left my house to take a walk. Did I know what was coming? I hoped that I knew. Adam began, and Adam, forgive me, I don't know the exact words!
"Boy was visiting his friends who said, 'hey we know a great girl... let's call her' and so they did but she didn't answer. They tried and tried but never did she answer. Finally they tried one more time and she picked up! Relief! She can come!"
And the story continued, about how lovely that first date was with boy and girl, and how cheating is fun. Eventually boy had to say how he felt about girl and tell her he loved her. At this point in our walk we were at the duck pond, because that is the place where Adam first told me that he loves me. When he first said that to me, I felt the sincerity in his words, but I could not return the words. I needed to know for sure. I waited a few more days.
We left the duck pond and Adam described how boy and girl grew and began to love each other, and that girl was able to say she loved boy. By now we arrived at the fountain, and it was as tranquil as the last time we were there. We sat on a bench nearby and Adam described the most recent events in the story between boy and girl, when he looked at his watch, which was just after 12, and said,
"...And that is when boy got down on his knee and asked (with my full name), Lily, will you marry me?"

I felt a surge of love and peace welling up within me. My emotions were a mix of warmth, like Adam's arms, and of love, like being hugged by Adam, and of peace, like the way I feel when I think about being married to this boy. We were completely present in the moment, focused on one thought, fused together. I looked down at the only man I have ever loved, and I said, "yes, of course." And after that was the best hug of my life! All the troubles, all the doubts washed away, and I was as tranquil as the still fountain that we were near. Adam slipped the ring on, and we became connected, we became boy and girl.

I see Adam differently now. He has become a force in my life, he is shaping me. And I truly love him. He is a delightful mix between strong, light-hearted, intense, loving, respectful, determined, and encouraging. And I expect that I will request this story often, and as the years go by, Adam will carve it into my heart.

Turning 26

This year I spent my birthday with my soon to be family - the Eggleston's. We had the most amazing cake - german chocolate with fudge as the filling. Talk about a girl's chocolate dream. Adam and I made apple pie together as well... from scratch! It was really good, and there is still a piece in my fridge if anyone wants to claim it.


As of late, there is no one that I would rather spend time with than Adam. I love him because of reasons that words don't even touch. It is within my soul, my guts, my essence to love him. We are drawn together for unknown reasons, and the joy has been discovering them. For example, Adam is one of the few people who can calm me when I am stressed. I believe that is because I trust him, and because he is pure. Man, I love that boy!

The Eggleston crew is delightful. I spent the day with Adam's dad and two of his sisters, Ammie and Allison, plus his cousins and of course, Trajan the dog I love. They are wonderful!!!

mylove

I am in love with a very handsome and amazing man.




When I first met Adam, he took my breath away. He was startlingly handsome and very sweet to me. We played croquet....




I trust him. I love him. Why? Because he has given me his heart, and it is hugging mine.

























And he helped me to save a kitty...

Coming Soon: The Proposal Story

:)

Lily do you love him?

I whispered, "Adam, speak to me in Russian and I will translate."

Without any precedent for such an occasion, he took a breath,
"ldkfjejriojdlkmcvcvdhdhdhdccq"

"There once were some monkeys."

"lkdjfe chiveadc quich slkjvid"

"Their bottoms were blue."

"dkje clkjicv qrsugch"

"The old men were angry with the monkeys."

"dfdk ci quichrcv lichdlciv ifjlejv"

"They took away all of their bananas and built a pyramid held together with ice cream."

"kjdfec bananies kljvle vlkjelci shccljed vheidss dskjflcijhfeoijch"

"The monkeys put on underwear to appease the men"

"cheivo cheivvq reidsv slkjeiv"

"The monkeys were given blue bras, but knowing their bodies were not formed that way, traded the bras for their bananas."

"flkdjecv rusquivo ldjeiv liceh"

"The men were happy."

THE END

The Fountain

The breeze brushed the sleeping water into ripples, sending an effusion of embraces around the granite rocks. Beneath me, the granite was smooth, cold. The reflection of the hunter in the sky was startling, he knew where I sat. If I looked close enough, he faded and the black granite fountain bottom appeared. All around me he came, and the rocks joined us. We were wrapped in the night, a thick shawl of moss. Resisting, I let him near, still held by the sleeping branches and the stone. His words steadily washed over the rocks, over the twigs, over the sharp places. I rested. There, within me, deep silent pools were uncovered. Bramble pulled back, and I was home, in his arms.

On love

Tiger. Tiger. I want a tiger. Can I have a tiger? Does anyone know which pet store has tigers?

I want to hold a tiger.

Don't worry, this isn't poetry

It began with a phone message.
But I was digging in the ground, there was a patch
of mud on my leg (dirt mixed with sweat)
when he called back and I said yes
to blindness.
I left the other and showered
brushing hair - he is here
who
your date
and I ran up two stairs
walked the next one
ran up three steps and walked the last four.
Wow.
He has shoulders.
They couldn't find a sitter
so she rode between us in her seat.
She ate my date's finger.
She held my date's hand.
Can I have some?
Croquet is much more fun if you
cheat.
Soccer feet.
Sincerity.

We played.
Laughed and they were laughing at us
too.
And then he tried to remember how to get back
as he drove me home.
And we played outside.
Cold grass and warm air.
I wanted it before it was time.
Tease.
Trust.
Finally.

Childhood

Lily has a mouse in her tummy.

On Perfection - from the theoretical to the actual

Earlier this week I was told that I lack in common sense, because of my perfectionism. This is true.

Looking at the meaning of the two words, I believe that I have sense, but it is not common to others around me. I do not feel things the way the rest of the world feels, and though this can be said of each of us, some of us vary in extremes. Recently a psychiatrist asked, "so you believe you have more anxiety than other people?" I struggled to answer, the very question provoked an anxious response within me. Do I have more anxiety than others? How am I supposed to know the answer to that question? So I just said yes, give me the medication sir. I suppose it is common to be uncommon, but there are many who unite in their uniqueness, and celebrate their common unique traits together, and these make up the body of the population. And then there are those of us whose sense of sense goes against the community. We are the ones who agree to do the impossible, truly believing we can achieve it. And while we can unite through the common trait of lacking in common sense, think not that the situation is remedied. Two of us only increase the lack of common sense; we jump into a freezing lake because it needs to be done and then walk four miles back to the car in cold wet clothing.

A consequence of existing as a being lacking in common sense is that I don't view perfection as Plato does; at moments perfections exist in our current state. Here is why Plato's ideals can walk on this blue planet:
-Perfection tastes like cracked wheat sourdough, broiled with olive oil, rosemary, tomato, monterey jack, and papaya. It feels like a deep backrub. It sounds like the sound of blades on ice at take-off and the subsequent landing. It smells like a white peach, just split open. It moves like my mom and my dad, walking with my grandpa down to the gate at POG. It ages like a good friend, and each wrinkle on her face is a story well-known.

I have met perfection in the eye. I have sacrficed sleep, friendship, work, school, health, family, and common sense to ride the wave, no cliche here, because wipeout is totally possible, and probable. Because of this I do things that common sense would otherwise have prevented.

But today I cried. I have to stop. I do not know what to do with my dreams, my pieces of perfection. I feel beaten by the flaws in my nature, unable to reach any type of peace. And so I sit here at 2:30am, just trying to work it all out, knowing that in the morning I will cry again. And I see that I am imperfect, and far too concerned with my own self to see the world around me, to connect with people who can lift me up. It only makes me angrier to think that I need people.

My greatest struggle is to give up my desire for perfection and realize that there are many who love me, even several who love me deeply, despite the fact the actual relationships are imperfect. I feel deeply, and tonight I feel great loss in resting alone. I yearn for a relationship in which I can give all, a foundation upon which a family can be built. And I fear that I will demand too much, because I am willing to give until my skin wears off, and I will kill the relationship out of a desire to make it perfect. And because it cannot be perfect, at times I don't even try to build, choosing by default to remain alone. And I am just really tired of this hurt.

Jackson Hole

I went with a group of friends to Jackson Hole this weekend. It was beautiful and charming, and I am in love with the lakes and rivers there. There were 8 of us, four of each sex, and that meant that the dynamics were complicated. We went on a white water rafting trip down the Snake River, hiked to Taggart Lake, enjoyed local restaurants, and drove home. I learned a lot and I want to share, but rather than a travelogue, I am going to give you three vignettes.


1. Our campsite was on a mini peninsula, flanked by the Snake River on one side and a stream on the other. My tent was within 7 feet of either one. It was incredibly overwhelming to my civilized senses and I lost track of all things cemented, regimented, and ....... While this beauty was dazzling, it equated extremely low temperatures during the nights. A sleeping bag rated at 55 degrees is as useful as wrapping up in paper towels. The first night I never warmed up in my covers. I lay stiffly, in and out of a doze, and needing to use the bathroom. Finally, I dragged myself out of my tent and tried to put my rainbo's on. I couldn't tell which way was up, and I fell over. It became easier to know which way was up sitting on the ground - I pushed up and rigidly got my bearings, and switched my flashlight. I found that my joints were frozen, and my knees wouldn't bend. I walked stiffly, sadly, as if I were suffering from MS. My eyesight was sketchy and I rattled along. The bathroom at the KOA was a haven. I ran my hands under hot water for twenty minutes (this is not an exaggeration folks) and finally the color came back. Then I did the same for my feet. I was worried that at some point someone would notice that I was gone and resigned myself to returning to my hell, as described by Dante. When I climbed back into the tent, my friend rolled over and whispered that she had been about to send out a search party. Turns out she was also freezing. When it came time to get out of bed and get ready for river rafting, we literally flew out of our tent and got dressed. Irony: we put on even less clothing than we had on before to go raft down a river fed by melted snow.


2. My first rafting trip was during a summer camp for girls 12-18 years old, a program for the youth in our church. Traditionally these camps have encouraged first aid knowledge and craft-making. One year our leaders wised up, knowing we were always jealous of the scouts' adventures in nature, and took us on a 3-day rafting trip down the American River in California. I was so scared to get on the raft the first day, and I made about five trips to the bathroom before I could leave. After the first hour on the river I realized that riding the rapids is stellar and fulfilling. This weekend I was ready to ride. I sat in the front and took the brunt of the waves, each time experiencing an incredible brain freeze. I gave all I had to paddle through the rapids and propel our raft as fast as possible through the rapids. That is what makes it so incredible, to have this dialogue between my own energy and the energy of the river.


3. The third vignette comes in the form of photos!



The crew!

pablo

here is an ode
that you may have
forgotten

to touch
divinity

through nearness of soul
animal and man
woman
and man
fabrics and feathers

to what is behind the
eskimo songs

fleeting snow
and dew
in her eyes
melts
into forms

ease the searing abyss
carved into skin
a balm
of being near
touching the face

of God

Ducks and Lovers

"Lily, the ducks are back!" Ashley called down the stairs.
"What?!"
"Yeah, sitting on the front lawn."
I raced up the stairs two at a time, and ran to the front door only to only open it very softly.
"Hi guys..." I whispered, "how are you? Are you hungry?" I turned to Ashley, "it is 10pm, is it too late to feed them?"
"Nahh.. just see."
"Okay!"

I brought the corn out and sat on my front steps. I threw a handful and immediately Daisy was up and devouring each kernel. "Good girl!" As I watched them eat I realized how relieved I was to see them on my lawn again.

Last night Brad was over and said, "I just want kids! I want to play with them and take them to the park, but then I remember," and his voice drops off, "I need to get married first..."
I laughed - I have so often felt the same way. Though the task of raising children is a difficult one, it seems nothing compared to the overwhelmingly staggering task of finding someone to marry. It isn't this difficult for everyone. It could be that I am too picky, but seriously, I have not found anyone good enough. My last boyfriend was completely shallow and too interested in fictitious women, but I naively didn't realize it until my heart was invested. I usually am interested in the bad boys, but the good ones are so boring! I know, generalization. But I want to give all of myself to someone. There is no other relationship in which one give all....

"Good night Daisy." I stood up, "Good night Donald."